That is the problem, too. I'm aware that it's permanent, and I'll never know what life is like without it, anymore. I've accepted that. I don't go to a doctor expecting a cure or a diagnosis anymore; I go for whatever pain relief they can give me, now that morphine is "icky" and was the one consistent thing that worked. Looking back, I was in heaven with that stuff compared to the hell of now. A huge part of me just wants to go back on them, keep increasing the dose, until it poisons me. At least I'll have a few good years, instead of killing myself one day (hypothetically) because the pain is too loud, and I'm weak.
We are at this stage, of just trying to improve my daily quality so that I can actually do things, go places, even work, if possible. I just want control over it, again. I don't have any control, now, and while I've learnt this week how to never show it, anymore, my sanity isn't going to last if that ends up being my only solution. It will drive me crazy. I'm already half-in, and I'm scared.
In Canada, therapy is not covered; it's just the same for the States as it is for her. And that shrink was the only one willing to take my case on (my family doc tried six).
I'm sorry. I don't mean to shit all over your ideas, because they are good ones. They're just ones we've tried, with each hopeful idea or remedy. I think at this point, if I go to the ER, again, and they ask me to, again, I'm going to let them admit me as an inpatient, like I did in April. I can't do this to my family anymore. I can't do this to myself anymore. Nothing is working, we are out of ideas, and I am losing my strength, what little amount I ever had.
no subject
We are at this stage, of just trying to improve my daily quality so that I can actually do things, go places, even work, if possible. I just want control over it, again. I don't have any control, now, and while I've learnt this week how to never show it, anymore, my sanity isn't going to last if that ends up being my only solution. It will drive me crazy. I'm already half-in, and I'm scared.
In Canada, therapy is not covered; it's just the same for the States as it is for her. And that shrink was the only one willing to take my case on (my family doc tried six).
I'm sorry. I don't mean to shit all over your ideas, because they are good ones. They're just ones we've tried, with each hopeful idea or remedy. I think at this point, if I go to the ER, again, and they ask me to, again, I'm going to let them admit me as an inpatient, like I did in April. I can't do this to my family anymore. I can't do this to myself anymore. Nothing is working, we are out of ideas, and I am losing my strength, what little amount I ever had.
I don't know, anymore...