I recognise the Buddha in y-- YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!

[yukinoomoni]

I'm studying Buddhism again, and it's hard going. The whole religion is based on compassion and love, and while I'm all for it, I find myself having trouble with the whole "compassionate" aspect. Obviously, I'm not the most forgiving person, so it's hard for me to give up grudges and wish people who fucked me over all the merry best.

Still, even saying that, having so much anger in me isn't the greatest thing for my health, let alone for the people around me. Being hung up on keeping a rap sheet for people who screwed me isn't exactly the healthiest approach to life.

I think that Buddhism could be a good thing for me, since it's not really a religion. There's no god. There's learning, and compassion, and love, and trying to be a better person through the above. It's like the athiest's religion. Plus, I think learning to let go and care about people, or rather, learning to let people's eternal stupidity wash over me instead of needle me, can't be a bad thing at all.

I don't think I could be a vegetarian, though.

In any case, I think I'm going to start forgiving and forgetting more. Or rather, forgiving, trying again, and still protecting myself, but still for the most part giving people the benefit of the doubt as well.

So here we go. Here's the first and most painful step on my Buddhist journey: forgiving the most looming sadness that's over me.



I'm not an innnocent in the whole situation between myself, dqbunny, and gigabahamut666. I'd known Mike for many years before he had met Megan, and while we had almost lost our friendship because I started dating Terry, and despite a misunderstanding (as well as probable incompatibility), we still managed to hang on to that friendship.

So I suppose I was hurt when I realised that the same thing that happened to him was happening to me. I was losing a friend to a significant other, and irony always bites. Instead of taking it into stride, I acted just like Mike didn't: I took a fit, I became agressive, and I started making both him and Megan miserable in my jealousy and hypocrisy.

Now, those two are not blameless. There are some things that could have been said that should have been said, and some things that were needlessly said for the purpose of hurting. There was alot of hate, alot of anger, and alot of hypocrisy on both sides. But it probably (*grumblemostlikelygrumble*) wouldn't of happened if I hadn't acted like a kid that got her ball taken away from her when she wasn't playing with it.

Over the months, I've baited both of them in my anger and bitterness. Probably the only time I wasn't baiting them was when I wished Mike a happy engagement (which I really and truly did mean, from the bottom of my heart). I'm not proud of my behaviour. In fact, I'm damn right humiliated by it, but it's my own doing. Of course, being baited back wasn't exacly a happy time, but I started it, so I suppose it was inevitable (and earned, stupid).

But now? If I shoved the bitterness aside, if I make myself actually think about the whole thing, I realise: I'm embarrassed about my childish behaviour. I probably could have kept them both as friends instead of alienating them and making them feel as if their dating was a bad thing, or the end of the world. I probably could have managed to keep two good aquaintances, if not friends. I'm not amused by some of the things that had been said about me and to me, especially since some of what was said was just plain hurtful and rude, but again, you reap what you sow (karma), and people are bound to get pissed of at you when you attack them for falling in love with your (at the time) best friend.

I do want Mike to be happy, above it all. I do feel stupid for how I acted. Do I wish I had reacted differently? Absolutely. There's no going back, however, so now all I can do is simply move on, wish them happiness, and not only relieve myself of that pointless rage and bitterness, but also give the two on the receiving end relief (if they need it) from that left over black cloud of my (marmish) disapproval.

I'm ashamed, but I want to ammend. So, here's to you two, Mike and Megan. I wish you success, love, and many, many cats. Please, if you cannot forgive my stupidity and idiocy, at least not feel anger or hate from it anymore. You're both Christians, right? I'm sure that'll come easy to ya.

And to think I've only read a few chapters into that book on Buddhism, and this is the kind of epiphany I get. Nice. And nicer, because I mean every single word. I'm so sick of being angry. I want everyone to be happy.

Puppies and fruit punch for all.

Comments

[mysticjuicer.livejournal.com]

*hugs* These epiphanies are usually their own reward, but I just wanted to say congratulations. It's hard giving up anger and hurt, but so worth it.

...and thanks for the puppies and fruit punch! ^_____^

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

Oh god, I know. This is probably the hardest thing I've done in years, but I wish I had done it sooner, because I feel so much better for it.

I don't even care if I get rejected. At least I know that I've done all I can to fix it.

Your icon makes me seasick.