I want that, too. All I really want is just enough to get by. I know I'll never be pain-free. I just... need to have less of it, and nothing's working.
I know my focus is broken, and it does shame me (though of course I know this is not your intention; this is how my brain works). The fact is, I never thought this would go this far. I never thought I would be dropped like this, after 8 years of doing everything they say, including take harmful drugs and undergo invasive tests, stripping away any dignity or modesty that I had left. Some of it is my fault: the smoking, for example, and the carelessness of my use of opiates, and why I’m banned from them, save in hospitals – if they remember to.
I don't want to be broken. I want to be like I was even five years ago, but I can't. I'm trying so hard, and I’m honoured you've seen it, too. I don't hear that, a lot, either.
Tl;dr: thank you. Your kind words, your patience... thank you. I'll never forget it, or you, if and when I give up. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me over the years. It means the world to me.
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2019-03-31 03:01 pm (UTC)I know my focus is broken, and it does shame me (though of course I know this is not your intention; this is how my brain works). The fact is, I never thought this would go this far. I never thought I would be dropped like this, after 8 years of doing everything they say, including take harmful drugs and undergo invasive tests, stripping away any dignity or modesty that I had left. Some of it is my fault: the smoking, for example, and the carelessness of my use of opiates, and why I’m banned from them, save in hospitals – if they remember to.
I don't want to be broken. I want to be like I was even five years ago, but I can't. I'm trying so hard, and I’m honoured you've seen it, too. I don't hear that, a lot, either.
Tl;dr: thank you. Your kind words, your patience... thank you. I'll never forget it, or you, if and when I give up. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend to me over the years. It means the world to me.