Pain/Depression/Friends/Empty

Jun. 25th, 2019 09:43 pm
yukinoomoni: (Sadness)
Last week, I promised over on DeviantArt that eve ry Tuesday and Thursday, I would update my Webcomic, Cherished, a schedule that I intended to be devoted to and never fail, in order to use it as a means of therapy as well as for fun and attention.

Today, I didn't update any of the comics, today.

Why? Simple: who cares?

Nobody does, save one person, maybe, and it's only because they're my friend. And even then, nobody else calling themselves my friends cares about anything I do.

You wanna hear pathetic? My own husband doesn't care, either. Oh, he's happy I'm doing something to keep myself busy, out of the way, out of his sight and mind, but that doesn't mean he gives a shit about any content I put out, fan-generated or original and my own invention.

If I can't even get my own husband to give a rat's ass about anything I do, especially Cherished, my first real public original project, the only one I've had the guts to publish, and for what? 

Nothing. No one fucking cares.

When I was little, I expected more of myself by the time I was 35. I expected to be published, to have at least one book published, and on the way to publishing more, because people cared. But I was also a fool, someone who believed in magic for too long and never made any real friends until she was almost out of school.

Who cares?

Okay, fine. Maybe not nobody. And maybe not everyone. I can honestly think of one person who is actually invested in Cherished. But to know that I spend hours on these pages, spend more on getting the right picture take, make sure everything is legible and makes sense, going so far as to make floor plans and family trees... and for what?

Who cares?

I'm not sure that can't do this, anymore.

Every day, I am given another hint that I have overstayed my welcome. But I am selfish, and still yearn for love, affection, praise, pride, and loyalty. I want to be wanted, needed, I want to make people happy, and I want to be able to show my entire heart to them. I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to trust, and be rewarded.

Instead, 9/10, I get backstabbed. Stupidly, I realise that people befriend me for the front I put on: a happy, slightly-stupid but well-meaning person who just wants to help people and make people happy. I just never realised what it takes - how much it takes - to even do that. And I have realised that I don't have that. 

People earn my trust, and when I trust them, they regret it. They find something ugly within me, something gross, and yet it's something I have never been able to see, simply because nobody tells me what this something is, and they abandon me before I can even ask. 

I realised why, today. I approach people as if I am a therapist. I always say, "Oh, I'm sorry this happened! If you need me, I'm here!" And sometimes, they take me up on that. When that happens, I don't realise that from the start, I am creating an unhealthy friendship, based solely on what I can give to the other person, and not on what we can give each other.

I forget that I have doomed myself from the start, because when I eventually mention something is wrong, I haven't realised that that's not why a person befriended me. They wanted the happy side of me, the free, earnest, honest and loving side, one I love to give to people, especially those I love most. I forget that, until the moment I slip up and shatter, I am supposed to be that one friend everyone goes to for help, but whom never needs it. The Mom friend. 

I can't do it, anymore.

I'm constantly told that people can take my "crazy", my darkness, the side of me called Mara, because I have done the same for them... until it happens. Save - again - perhaps two or three people, I have yet to see anyone survive past one moment of vulnerability from me.

In these moments, I fuck up and say things I never would say, but am saying to someone else instead of the intended target: me. Recently, a friend that I have known for over a decade ditched me because I snapped at them over an email - and then immediately apologised and explained why in a second email - and they froze me out. They blocked me. They pretend I don't exist. And this person was no cake walk. This person was selfish, always focused on their own feelings, and often lamented that my bad feelings made them feel worse, and now their new dark mood was all my fault. They literally made me feel tremendous guilt for trying to open up and ask for advice with them, every single time. And when I lost it, for the very first time without even wanting to, even when I apologised in an email sent not even five minutes later, they abandoned me. Forever.

Another good one: this person I knew for almost two decades, and after months of ignoring Christmas, my birthday, the birth of my niece, and the death of my dog, this person messaged me to lambast me for what others said (that true, I agree with) and that I and them are what is making this world go down hill. For the record: it was because I support trans people, specifically Mermaids, the UK charity for trans gender children. 

I could go on. There's even more, like when a friend distrusted me because I was friends with their exe, and I did nothing wrong whatsoever, they not only abandoned me, but got their new partner to abandon me, and spread rumours about me, or the friend that doesn't seem to know that it's not always fair to demand everyone else message them first, and then guilttrip and blame you for their pain when they don't even reach out, or the one that always always, without fail, no matter how nice they are, manage to sexually harass me in every conversation, despite being told ad nauseam that I am married, monogamous, and not okay with that, or the one that always says it's okay for me to have emotion until i actually do, or especially the one who demands I account for every second of my goddamn life, who cannot even stand a day of silence from me without demanding an explanation as to why I'm silent and this being cruel to them, or...

But then you'll just explain the reason why they do these things, because I literally just told you why a few paragraphs ago. 

I am a therapist that either everyone outgrows, or I'm the friend that is not allowed to fee anything but happiness and support for you. 

But I'm not.

I'm a human being. I am sick. I am dying from a disease that no one takes seriously, that has every second of my waking (and often sleeping) life in pain. I am lonely. I cannot work or go out. I have no income. The internet is the only way I have ever been able to socialise. 

Now, I'm losing even that.

You know what's really funny about all of this? Even though I wrote all of this down, even though it's public and out here for the world to see, including every single "friend" I have listed here (some more than once), nobody is going to care any more than they do now.

Because nobody wants to pay the therapist to hear her problems, after all. And I of course need to pay for the right to a friend, do I not? Often, it feels that way. 

Who cares...
Tags:

The Big C

Mar. 30th, 2019 11:04 pm
yukinoomoni: (Sad)
 Hey. It's been a while. I'm an aunt, now, heh. My sister Heather had a baby girl, named Ellie.

I missed her birth, because I was in the ER. It was there that they found something interesting, later confirmed by my family doctor: I've lost 20kg in 4-5 months. 

Why? Because I can't eat. I have no appetite. 

Why? Because I am in agony, every day, and it's getting worse. 

Every single pain clinic has dropped me. I have nothing left. Save "do yoga and eat better". I see the joy and happiness die within the eyes of my husband every time he sees me in pain. I can't walk with just a cane, anymore. I'm treated like literal garbage in the hospital. Nobody believes me, anymore. I cannot be a good aunt. I cannot be a good wife. 

So now, they're testing me for HIV and cancer. I checked online, and... save things like prostate cancer, I checked out at about 9/10 for positive general symptoms of cancer. They took my fluids today, and now I have to just sit around and listen to what I know is esophageal cancer eat me alive.

I quit smoking almost a month ago, after almost two years. I started smoking to help alleviate the pain, but by the beginning of this month, it stopped being helpful. I quit, and two weeks later, I'm back in the ER. I've been fainting, throwing up, memory loss, white outs... I also feel sharp knives of pain within my throat, and cough up blood, and I'm so tired all the time. Yet I can't sleep, because it hurts, and I get nightmares. I get winded walking from couch to desk - barely two metres apart. 

This is all my fault, and I know that. I did this to myself. And now, I'm probably on my way out.

It sucks, because I'll be dead with so much left undone: novels, comics, fanfics, fanarts, meeting the people I love around the world... I'll never get to see Ellie grow up...

I didn't try hard enough. The pain kept getting worse, so a 7 this year was a 9 last year, and it gets confusing. I get abandoned in ER rooms, until my IV dries out, and mere saline makes me scream, while I'm being pulled off a bed by a nurse - literally grabbed by the ankles and pulled on - while throwing up and screaming with pain. I see Terry, his eyes die, go darker, fill with tears, frustration... emotions I can't read... 

I know I'm going to lose him, too. He's already so fed up with what we've had to deal with for 8 1/2 years, now. Every time we go to the ER, he looks... his face... and the way he cries, because he blames himself for my being in pain, and... I just... I can't...

People I love, around the world, get ignored by me, because I can't concentrate. I can't be a friend, because all I can think of is the fact that my body is decomposing on the inside. I'll never get to meet them, so why would I waste their time, if I'm just gonna go die on them? I avoid them, because I can't face it. I can't tell them. I can't say the words, and not just because I haven't gotten the positive result, yet. 

I'm "one more report of bad news" away from having a nervous breakdown. I'm starting to doubt myself, my pains, my illness, my memories. I'm starting to question how reliable I am as a narrator of my own life. I cry every day, in the shower, abuse my body like it's an onion, peeling the skin away to try and shed myself of this skin of sickness. I can't, and people keep calling me a liar, or histrionic, or stupid, or a weakling. I know I'm weak, and a coward! I don't need anyone to tell me this fucking fact. I'm going to shatter, implode, and it will kill me.

And I'll die with so much left undone, but does that actually matter? I can count on one hand the amount of people who give a shit about my original works, and Terry is not on that list. Not even people who call me their best friend... *sigh* People only like my fanworks, my theft of a smarter person's work, destroying it into what I want it to be, because I'm a selfish, disgusting person. Nobody wants what's from my heart. I haven't written anything for any of my original series in over a decade. Why bother? Nobody fucking cares. I've been drawing an original comic series, for free, and nobody cares. I put my heart and spoons into each panel, and only four people even see it, and one of them is me! 

So I guess what I'm saying is... I probably have cancer. I'm going to die later than I thought, but sooner than I wished. And I'm aware that such a thing means absolutely nothing. Nobody cares. One more dead person, one more online idiot who pretends she is loved when she is unlovable. If it's true, and I do have it... I'm sorry. I'm going to let it win. 

I've proven that I don't deserve this life. Someone better deserves it. Someone who has stories people actually give a fuck about. Someone who was never trapped in a basement, who ate better, who kept her gallbladder, who took care of her baby dog better, who knew how to love and accept love and be able to recognise that it's possible to be loved back...

Someone the exact opposite of me...

Heh. Who cares. I abandoned all of the people here, too. I don't deserve any of it, anyway. 

My stories are shit, and I never deserved the goodness I was given. 
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And there's noone else to blame...

Jan. 4th, 2019 02:53 pm
yukinoomoni: (Sadness)
It's been a while, I know. But forgive me while I use this to vomit out all of my worst feelings, right now, to finally be free of them.

My pain is driving me crazy. I've been overdosing my THC oil very, very badly, and I feel the fool, because I'm already on so many meds. I'm so sick, and in so much pain, that it's making me realise how pointless I am. My days feel numbered, and I don't know how to cope. I waste those days on fanfic, as a hermit, hiding from people I love, because I'm not worthy of them. I was on Tumblr for a few years, and I met a lot of new people through the Undertale fandom, but a lot of them are very young, some minors, and it makes me uncomfortable. I care about them, and love them in a platonic, familial way, but I know how gross and bad it makes me look, and I'm starting to pull away from them, through no fault of their own. Rather, it's my fault, only my fault, because they deserve to have friends they can trust, that won't make them look bad. Most started out as readers of the fanfic I wrote for Undertale, and I made the mistake, in my endless, isolated loneliness, to befriend them, forgetting in my immaturity that I am not young, but old, and that heaping my problems onto them is wrong, and sickening, and I'm ashamed of it. They don't deserve that. All I wanted to be was a mentor, or a big sister or aunt. I should have never mentioned my feelings, my depression, my pain, my loneliness. They should only care about when the next story is updated, or come to me for support, not to support me. And all I do now is write fanfics. If I do anything original, nobody cares. Not even Terry, my own husband of two years, gives a shit about anything I write or draw, even if original. If he doesn't care, why the fuck should I? I want him to care, to be interested in my works, to be excited with me and help me keep going. He encourages me, of course, but not enough to bother to look at what he's encouraging me to do. It's the only think I do not like, and have never liked, about Terry: that he doesn't give a fuck about my hard work. I get it. He's busy, and works hard, so that I can have the spoilt life I have, today, so that I can create the shit he doesn't care about and not have to work, because by now, I cannot work. This time last year, I was healthier, hopeful. Now I feel nothing. I don't want to draw. I don't want to write. I'm pushing the friends I love the most away, because I love them, and know they are better than I deserve, and deserve better than I can give. Nothing I do matters, anymore. All it is is just pain, pointless projects, and loneliness, a loneliness that is my fault, alone. I don't go out. I can't work. I make no effort to meet new people, face-to-face. And now, I'm running away from the people here, online, realising that I lost most of you long ago, and I deserve that, too. The fact is this: I will never be anything more than a talentless hack, using the works of others to try and tell stories, because my own work is garbage. I look at the people who were friends with me, who now loathe me, and see how much happier and successful they are, and I compare them to the people who did not, and I realise that I am nothing but poison. I am a leech that poisons while sucking my host dry. No wonder my pain keeps increasing; my body wants me to die already, and my brain agrees. I keep saying no, because I don't want to die. I'm scared and selfish, and I don't want to lose what I have, even if I never deserved it. And yet while fearing death, I still wonder if it's the actually the best decision. I won't kill myself - I promised I wouldn't - but, especially right now, I really wish I could, and want to, more than anything, as long as it meant that finally, everyone would be free. Especially Terry, who's trapped in a daily hell, one he's forced to remain in legally, because I am a manipulative piece of shit. 

Nobody cares about what I have to say, unless it's wrapped within the universe of someone else's creation. Nobody cares about anything I do, unless it either disrupts their own lives or they're bored and need someone to look down on to feel better. 

I quit. I quit writing, I quit drawing. I'll finish the shit I've started, but once it's done, so am I.

Nobody fucking cares. Why the fuck should I...?

EDIT: Please do not redirect this post to Terry. I am posting here specifically because he will not see it, okay? Don't make me lock it, please.
Tags:

uh

Mar. 5th, 2016 05:49 pm
yukinoomoni: Rage enrages me. (NOOOOOO)
So....

....

Anyone else obsessed with Undertale? Because if you are, I have stuff you can read.

Also, hi. I'm gonna be using this more often, now. I miss people.

Update me!!!!!!!!
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Yeeeeah

Apr. 8th, 2014 08:33 pm
yukinoomoni: Rage enrages me. (NOOOOOO)
So... I turned 30 on Saturday.

It's not as bad as it sounds. I had a wonderful time out to dinner with my family, and was glad that both of my older sisters could make it.

It just feels weird. I'm 30. But sometimes I feel either 60 or 15. It makes little sense. I certainly don't feel as if I've earned being 30. I haven't had any successes worth being proud of at the moment. My life is, at best, half over now.

All I can do is start to get serious about getting published. I really want to get something out there, anything, other than fanfiction that nobody reads much of and is never taken seriously ANYWAY. But I'm deeply afraid of rejection that will definitely come with trying to get published, and I lack the type of ego that can easily bounce back following rejection after rejection. And yet, if I write nothing, send nothing, nothing will happen. At least a stack of rejection letters shows that I at least tried.

Right?

I guess I should fully update, but save deep thoughts and fluctuating health of myself and my pets, I've got nothing.

I know I've missed a lot while I've been busy pissing away my time on Twitter and YouTube. Tell me what I've missed here, while I try to catch up on my own friends list.

Duuuuurp.
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Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Dec. 27th, 2013 10:07 pm
yukinoomoni: (Eh?)
So, I know I promised two posts containing two separate holidays, but despite remembering to bring my camera and use it, I forgot the cable at my mom's - and I'm at Terry's house for the next week. Whoops.

I plan to grab it on Monday, when I go see my mom on my way back to Terry's on my meds run. It's very possible that this means the posts will be up by Monday or Tuesday.

I SWEAR!!

(Also, for those of you on LiveJournal, I managed to update my settings from here and DW. All my posts have been cross-posted, but to sum: I won't be on LJ anymore, unless you link me to it. I've lost interest, at the moment, with it. I like DW better. So I'll be updating primarily on DW, and only reading entries from DW. I will always crosspost, but don't forget: I'm not reading LJ anymore. If you wish to link me to something there, do so, but otherwise just assume I know nothing about what goes on there, because I don't know, and I really am not sure if I want to.)
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Derp

Dec. 24th, 2013 12:06 pm
yukinoomoni: (Buh?)
You know what I just realised? That I never made a holiday post last year, despite havin many pictures.

Well! This year simply means I have to post this year AND last year! Mwaha!

So, yes. Expect it.
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All is well

Dec. 22nd, 2013 09:51 pm
yukinoomoni: (Morgan)
I just wanted to post a quick update for everyone to let you know that despite a great deal of trying, my loved ones and myself managed to avoid any major damage from the really pretty but equally terrifying ice storm. There are a ton of broken trees and a few busted cars, but only my second oldest sister has lost power, and she's living in the epicertre of the damage.

So, I'm okay. Please post here to tell me that you are all okay, too!
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Quick Update

Oct. 7th, 2013 08:36 pm
yukinoomoni: (Default)
Thanks to my Mom, I'm posting this entry using my new (her old) smart phone. I want to briefly address my last entry, as well as brief you on my decisions about my online footprint.

I've actually become stupidly active on Twitter, although I refuse to engage in anything fandom related save the few random things. I'm not caught up on Korra - in fact, I've only seen the premiere and a few trailers. Please, don't say too much to me. Though I know spoilers are inevitable, I'm trying to avoid them, mostly so as not to get caught up in annoying speculations, but also because I think I would want to watch it in one or two sittings. The waiting is the worst, is it not?

Like I said, I will barely be here on DW and definately not on LJ. Now that mu DW is fixed, my only contribution to LJ is the reposting from DW. Sorry, but the Russian anti-gay stuff pisses me off, and I do not doubt that eventually LJ will become one giant censor bar shaped like Fred the Goat.

If you want more daily contact with me, you can bug me on Twitter @yukinoomoni . I am on there all the time. Bug me. Do it.

So I guess while I still am rather more disconnected than ever, you can still find me somehow.

Or something, I dunno.
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No

Sep. 24th, 2013 05:37 pm
yukinoomoni: Rage enrages me. (NOOOOOO)
I am in a hideous mood, and DreamWidth insisting that I do not exist is only making it worse, so once again I am only posting here and not there, and will back the entries up when I find a way.

Honestly, I'm starting to hate the internet. I hate what it does to people. I hate the power it gives over others. I hate that there is absolutely nothing sacred, safe, or private about it (hence why I won't even bother locking this post).

I am grateful for the wonderful friends I have met through the internet, but am also very damaged by those whom I shouldn't have trusted. I love that I am usually able to find wonderful people to talk to about things I love and thought I was the only one who loved them, but I also loathe fandom's horrid ability to suck the fun and magic out of everything I adore.

The internet has allowed me to post writings that would have probably remained in duotangs stuck in my closet, and these writings have brought me closer to more people. It has also alienated me from people, as of course only weirdos write fanfic, right? So I can't even brag about it to "normal" people, despite being extremely proud of that which I wrote.

If anything, my lukewarm success with fanfic has given me hubris as to just how good or bad my writing actually is. I soar high one moment, then get shot down the next. And any time I think about writing the stories that are deep in my heart, I cringe and cringe, because of course it's bad, cliched, overdone, and seen before. EVERYTHING has been seen before, in this highly published society. Anything I write, however good or bad, would be lost in the pool of those who already beat me to it. So why bother?

And the death of Kristen was like the last straw. I had no idea how much I had missed her and wished I was a better friend to her until she died, and I never even met her. All of you, whom I love so much, could flicker just like her, and then what? It's selfish, but I hate having my heart broken.

I barely have friends. I can count the number of friends I have outside of the internet on one hand (without even bothering with my thumb), so really my only social net is full of you - people who have thought me interesting enough to read my words on a screen. I trust you all with more than I trust my family, and I haven't met you. And yet those few friends I know I can barely trust.

How did my life get so backward? Am I the only one?

I'm not really going away off the internet. I just... I obviously am on it so rarely that nobody really would note a difference. I've given up being a "presence" on the internet. Why bother? That is everyone.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't expect much of anything from me anymore. I'm just... probably to vanish quietly, if that's what I decide to do.

Comments are disabled because I know I won't see the comments until too late for replying anyway. If you really need to get in touch, I usually check Twitter more often than not, because I use it to post nonsense. But then, even that will probably die out, too.

(Funnily enough, as I was typing this, I got blocked out of DW AGAIN. This is after a week of changing my password FOUR TIMES and being locked out. FUCK YOU.)
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Silence Shattered By My Loud, Mannish Laugh

Jul. 30th, 2013 02:50 pm
yukinoomoni: (Lucina Unmasked)
Hello.

It's been quite a long time, hasn't it? How are you all? What's new? What have I missed? I hope nothing bad.

( Read more... )

So, to sum up, I really am still here and around. Just not online. And it was due to fear and loss and both. And I will strive to come online once a week, if just to update my writing (which has been really awesome).

Also, I humble request detailed comments about your own goings-on since I was online last. Even a sentence is okay. I just want to make sure you are all okay, and I think it would take WAY too long to try to read that far back (if I can).

A detailed post following this one will be locked, as it goes into details about personal stuff. So if I have not provided an acceptable explanation, you can probably figure it out from it (maybe). If you are reading this as a public post but would like to know more, just comment here and I will explain as much as I feel comfortable doing so in public. Otherwise, PM me.

Once again, sorry.

And, hello.
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Yo

Dec. 12th, 2012 01:56 pm
yukinoomoni: (Buh?)
Not dead. Just struggling through a really long bout of pain that hasn't gone away.

What did I miss?

Anything you want to know from me?
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Shit

Nov. 27th, 2012 07:13 pm
yukinoomoni: (Buh?)
Sorry, I'm not dead. Obviously. I've just been sick and haven't been in the mood for the internet of any kind. Now that I'm on the computer to sift through one of my original stories, I figured it wouldn't hurt to boot up the internet and ensure everyone that I am not dead.

So, here is your reassurance.

I am not dead.

Seriously, there is nothing else to be said. Sorry!

(Posting this public in case there was mass alarm, lol like anyone cares.)
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As Usual

May. 1st, 2012 09:13 pm
yukinoomoni: (Default)
Whenever I'm upset or cranky or having one of those days in which my skin feels too gross to be mine, I end up getting rid of my default icon because I'm having an identity crisis or something.

So as usual, I appeal to you, my friends. Help me out with this. Need default.

I mean, only if you want to. No biggie.
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Gruh (rant)

Apr. 27th, 2011 02:48 pm
yukinoomoni: (No)
( About weight loss )
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FINALLY

Sep. 9th, 2010 02:02 pm
yukinoomoni: (I'M FUCKING BLIND)
I'VE TAGGED MY WHOLE GODDAMNED JOURNAL!!!

I forgot a tag for Harry Potter and Gilmore Girls, but damned if I'm going over this sludge pit of a journal again. Fuck.
  • Current Mood: tired
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