Silence Shattered By My Loud, Mannish Laugh

[yukinoomoni]

Hello.

It's been quite a long time, hasn't it? How are you all? What's new? What have I missed? I hope nothing bad.

I've been avoiding updating anything for weeks, obviously. It feels longer than it actually has been, which is odd to me. Time usually passes quickly for me. But it's been sluggish when it comes to going online.

I realised maybe a week after my last entry that these words fall upon many caring and kind eyes, and usually greeted by words sharing such feelings. But it wasn't until it really hit me that Kristen was dead, really dead and gone, and I would never meet her and hug her and thank her voice-to-voice for her years of love, support, challenge, and debate, that I suddenly just broke.

I sobbed. Hard. Because I realised that as I was grieving for Kristen, I was realising that it could happen to any of you. ANY OF YOU. And it HAD - to Kristen. I was (and am, truth be told) shaken to the core and terrified. I realised that loving, trusting, and knowing many of you, also made me come to terms with the very fact that I will probably NEVER meet 95% of you, and if I did lose any more of you, I would never know unless someone cared enough to come online on your behalf. There would be no way to see you, to be able to put flesh and blood and bone to words and icons and ideas.

So I disappeared. I wondered, rather in cruel irony, if anyone would wonder or think I died (finally and that there WAS no one there to let any of you know. And then I wondered about being alive, if I was, all of that terrifying shit that keeps me awake less now that I'm going off Zoloft (long story; will explain under a lock). For that, I'm very sorry if I actually DID scare any of you or made you think the worst.

The truth is, I have not been okay. I have been in a dark enclosed chrysalis of self-hate and self-blame, self-abuse and abuse to others (verbal - I'm pretty weak now anyway). I buried myself in my Nintento DS or in a pile of real books and a pile of e-books, in between Milo and Nim, hidden under the hand-stitched blanket my mother made and gave to me, that does little to warm my chill so deep that it's rare for me to feel anything but it when inside the house. I was afraid of the internet, of fandom and fanfiction, of reading any news, forums, or online things I used to adore.

I was, in short, acting like a child who has discovered death escapes no one. And it usually makes no sense in its claims. Which is exactly it.

But today I picked up my netbook instead of my tablet, and when I booted it up to look up a medicine, I found myself opening up a Notepad and typing all of this down, even before DreamWidth loaded or the internet connected properly. (During the duration of this update, the internet disconnected twice. Hard not to take that personally, internet.) I realised that I needed to contact you all, to keep contact open, just in case I actually DO lose any of you, though I hope I do not, and that I go first. Even though I do not feel particularly important, I can imagine that suddenly vanishing offline would be confusing at the least (no, the least is ignored. Oh well). In the span of ten years, I have spilled my guts online to the benefit of anyone willing to read it, and I suddenly have realised how significant that is.

Ten years. A decade of documentation. That is a long, long time, and plenty to easily watch me grow up. Well, so far, anyway. If I were to suddenly vanished on my own choice without so much as a so long, I do not like to imagine how that would feel for those of you who care. And while this is NOT my goodbye, please note that from now on, you can depend on my updating at least once a week, just even with one word or two, so you can make sure I live.

Plus, I began this journal to meet people and express my feelings. Granted, it was also to get closer to a boy I liked, but luckily he liked me too, and somehow we still do. I sort of feel as if it could also be a record of the relationship he and I have had, from the span of being dumb teenagers to actual adults (or adult-shaped... we really are still grossly affectionate).


So, to sum up, I really am still here and around. Just not online. And it was due to fear and loss and both. And I will strive to come online once a week, if just to update my writing (which has been really awesome).

Also, I humble request detailed comments about your own goings-on since I was online last. Even a sentence is okay. I just want to make sure you are all okay, and I think it would take WAY too long to try to read that far back (if I can).

A detailed post following this one will be locked, as it goes into details about personal stuff. So if I have not provided an acceptable explanation, you can probably figure it out from it (maybe). If you are reading this as a public post but would like to know more, just comment here and I will explain as much as I feel comfortable doing so in public. Otherwise, PM me.

Once again, sorry.

And, hello.

Comments

[sarajayechan]

*hugs*

I've been good. Busy since Grandma's moving and I'm trying to help her out now and then.

[yukinoomoni]

Hm? Tell me more about that. why is she moving?

[sarajayechan]

Her house is too big for her to manage alone anymore, so she's moving into a smaller apartment.

[silverthunder]

I'm glad to hear from you, even if things are not exactly going swimmingly. I may not always comment, but I always do read your updates to see what's going on with you.

For myself, we found out what was causing Cody's health issues (nothing seriously, thankfully) and we're continuing with the diet because it turned out to be exactly what he needs. Other than that, I have not much else to report. I've been grinding relationships in Fire Emblem, posting all of my screenshots and excitement about Final Fantasy XIV on Tumblr, and watching anime. Oh, and work. XD

[amelia-seyroon.livejournal.com]

/BIG HUGS

If you ever wanna talk, I'm here to listen!

[dorknessrising.livejournal.com]

I have been kind of worried, the way I usually am when friends I know only online fall silent because of that very reason. So I'm rather relieved to hear you're at least still alive.

As for me, I got my purse stolen and my face punched in a month ago, across the street from the apartment. I broke lease and I'm now back at my parents' house, and I go to work wielding a golf umbrella as a makeshift nightstick.

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

Holy SHIT.

I hope your lease holder didn't make you pay too much for breaking after such a sick thing happening. Are you okay? Holy shit holy shit.

May I also recommend a cane for self-defence? I'm being serious. I see people who walk with canes who don't need them - this is fashion, now? Apparently? - or perhaps they are like me and don't have their need for the cane obvious? Anyway, you could carry one of solid wood. I have one, and it's durable, long-reaching, and under thirty bucks (CDND). I have used it on people (friends?) but not as hard as I could (and I'm wussy) and apparently it causes pain and confusion. So I also recommend this.

My stupid suburb is getting volatile too. Someone smashed in the front window of the local convenience store and stole cash and lotto tickets, but the alarms and the cameras woke the owners, who called the cops. The guy was caught the next day. Wear a ski-mask next time, robber guy! I hope your evil dude gets caught and stepped on. Preferably Monty-Python style.

[dorknessrising.livejournal.com]

She was very understanding. All I had to give her was 30-days' notice and my case number and pay for that last month. The place is reletted now and I'm even getting my deposit back, so I don't owe her anything. Now the fun part is settling the hospital bill because I had to have a couple CT scans done to make sure nothing got broken (one of the guys punched me in the face and head about 4-5 times). They're normal, thank goodness, and the black eye is mostly healed.

Fortunately, as broken as the healthcare system is here, there is a special provision for crime victims. So after I get my itemized bill, I have to call upstate and file a claim.

What I'm really pissed off about is they got my fucking iPod. The one I literally just finished paying for the week before the robbery.

I'll have to look into the cane idea. And frankly I hope the next person they try this on has a gun and blows their brains all over the street and I'm not even sorry because Laser-Guided Karma.

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

I started to cry when I read your injuries. Couldn't help it. It's the benefit of having emotions, a bleeding vagina, and wanting to destroy the person who did it. Did they get caught? Oh dog, this fucking world. It's exact what I'm afraid of, these things. I wish I could protect you (all of you). I wish I could box you all up. ;.; I hope you aren't broken.

Now, I've had both CT and CAT scans. Is it the one where you're stuck in the donut that's like a coffin (CAT), or is it the one that has you passing through the donut, but not stuck in it?(CT) Either way, CT is better. You have to drink a lot of orange radiation (I swear this is true. Two medium-sized cups of orange, sugary radioactive drink.) If you have nice people with you in the drinking room, it's fun. If you're in crisis and lack the above prep, it's much worse, believe me. They actually inject that shit into your blood, shove a TUBE UP YOUR ASS, and you can FEEL the radiation in your blood, because it heats it up for a moment! Aaaaa!

CAT scans SUCK. Especially if you have claustrophobia. I had two, and they were awful. I had to blindfold myself, because if I opened my eyes while in the tube, I could feel myself start to panic. Especially at one point, when they tilted me backwards! They have this thing you can squeeze if you are about to lose your shit (possibly literally I've heard), and it's so hard to keep calm. My second one, the worst and longest, had me crying silently and reciting entire episodes of Shadow Raiders from the first episode, line-for-line, in my head (yes - I have almost EVERY SINGLE EPISODE MEMORISED THIS WAY). Halfway through the second episode (I rewound a few scenes when panic or instruction interrupted), I was taken out, and instantly pitied. One nurse stroked my hair away from my face - stuck on by tears.

So I REALLY HOPE it's CT! Yay words! *headdesk*

[dorknessrising.livejournal.com]

It was CT. I didn't have to drink anything. As far as I know the little shits haven't been caught yet, but the detective has a lead I gave him because they were stupid enough to use my phone.

[toomomforyou.livejournal.com]

As weird as it may sound, I dont believe you will ever leave without saying goodbye. So I'm not worried about your offline-ness.

As for me, I'm getting plastic surgery done in exactly 2 weeks. I'm nervous but happy at the same time. After, I'll seriously consider getting a permanent non-reversible birthcontrol procedure (Essure).

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

Wait, you're getting the vaginal mesh or the vaginal ring? do not do this! Don't you have a history of blood-clots? That could kill you, what are they thinking???

Or am I missing something? What is Essure?

BUT I'm glad you are finally getting something done (unless it's the one I'm thinking of? More details pls) because it's been years and you've earned it. I know you also thought about having more kids, so I guess you must feel kinda shitty about that? Well, don't. Edmond is a super kid, and I'm sure you will have your hands full once he becomes a human and you are friends (lol is it mean for me to hope your kid is gay? I hope not. Cause I do.) and can go bar-hopping =D

[toomomforyou.livejournal.com]

yo!!

Essure is a procedure similar to getting your tubes tied, minus the invasine surgery. The thing is done via the "natural canals", ie VAGINA, while the old tube-tying implies some punctures in the stomach. I first need to find a doctor qualified with the Essure technique so....
Essure doesn't imply any hormones! Maybe you should check it out too!
essure.ca

I'm not feeling as shitty anymore about not getting a bigger family. Actually, I LOVE the fact I dont have to share my parenting time between 2 kids. Me and Edmond are very close: at bedtime, we lay together and we chat a little bit :) This moment is very special and I'm glad I have all my time for him.

p.s I hope he turns gay too ;)

[resonant.livejournal.com]

*hugs hugs hugs*

[lalunatique.livejournal.com]

This reminds me that I really should make provisions for updates if something were to happen to me. I've been disappearing during periods of busyness, too, and I know I worried at least one of my online friends when I was unresponsive to her messages. I am so sorry about your loss--the senselessness of death is just terrifying, and makes the grief even worse. Be kind to yourself, and sometimes it's good to hide away while the wound scabs over.

As for me, it's been a madly hectic time since late June to mid-July because of a major conference where I was one of the main organizers. I have some regrets about my performance, but I'm glad the event ended successfully and I learned a lot of stuff along the way. Unfortunately some of those were painful lessons and a friendship grew strained along the way, with both her flaws and mine on full display. I'll have to watch and see where things go with this person, though I'm pretty sure we won't be as close as we used to be. That stings a little, but that's life and it's not like she was a really close friend. I don't know what I'd do if something went wrong with my closest friends. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with that scenario yet, hopefully ever.

Then, the week after the stress and mess of the conference Mark and I traveled for a week on this lovely island. Driving, bicycling, lazing on a beach... great times. Wrap-up work from the conference followed me for the first couple of days of it, but fortunately that's all done now. Married life is great as ever, a source of comfort and a break from all the other crap in life. Should I be like an overbearing aunt and nag you about when you're going to tie the knot? ;)

And now we're back. It feels like summer vacation has started in earnest and I'm acting it, too, by being extra lazy. There's a lot to do--I have to get started on my dissertation, prep for next semester's classes (I'm teaching two) and keep up on my part-time work. There's also roleplaying stuff to be done, with a mini-convention coming up where I have a table and a publishing venture that I'm working on with Mark.

But heck, none of that is as easy and pleasant as shooting the breeze on LJ. :D Ugh, responsibility and real life. Welcome back, talk to you again!

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

True. I did find out yesterday that writing it all out - just the process of it - was very soothing and helpful. And easy. So I plan on trying to write before I take a sock off, which since last night has worked.

Your life is so busy, and you work so hard online, too, from last I checked! I have no clue how you do it all (cloning? magic? slavery? =P) but I am happy you do it. Now that Korra is on DVD, I really hope that it will give me new vigour to work on fanfic again. Or maybe I could watch all four sets... hm...

Damn. I just looked over my ff.net profile. Have I really not written in so long? And hey, I never did finish that second long fanfic project for the Mai/Zuko big bang community. Ugh. I loved that story. I want the rest finished!

Pffft. I'm so sad =D

[lalunatique.livejournal.com]

My army of monkeys with typewriters would like to thank you for your high opinion of their productivity. Though really, my current frenzy of LJ activity is more pent-up frustration than anything, from the period of real-life-enforced silence. Private and public writing are both freeing in their different ways, and a part of me just can't seem to function without going on a giant rant in public every once in a while.

I've written a few pieces of LoK fanfic, and want to write at least one more. I should probably get it done before Book 2 comes out, since it's a (critical) parody of Book 1. You should totally get back in the fanfic writing groove, too, if original writing and real life allow it.

[dawnrune.livejournal.com]

I am glad to hear that you're still alive, and I'm always hoping that you'll be able to pull through all of this crap. Say whatever you need to say, do whatever you need to do. Even though I really don't update LJ anymore, as long as I have friends still updating their journals I'll pop in and read. This is how I'll let you know I'm doing OK, whenever I'm on.

As for my life, I got through a deep, disgusting spell of depression, and am in the process of leaving a job that's been making me very unhappy and unhealthy. I don't have another job lined up, so this is risky and pretty scary, but I feel like it's the right thing to do regardless, so I'm taking the plunge. Luckily I've gotten my mom's blessing, and everyone else's who matters anyway. That's my life. It's good at the moment. I'm gonna try to keep it there.

Good luck! I hope there's something that I can do for you.

[yukinoomoni.livejournal.com]

Take it from me: sometimes you have to take that risk. I've done it many times (probably too many), and while it does suck and you may have to depend on savings for a bit (what else are they there for?), I have no doubt you will find something better suited. I also know deeply how a toxic environment - especially work - can destroy your mind. So I guess what I'm saying is this: I'm so sorry you have to quit with one foot in the water already, but ultimately I see nothing but good can come from it. From what I remember, your job sucks? So ditch it. You don't need that shit in your life.

And the fact that you have your mom backing you is also A+ behaviour in my books.

[dawnrune.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I just had a very strong epiphany Sunday morning where I was just like "you know what? Screw this! I don't need it!"

Basically, I've spent the past year working at a casino (which has an extremely toxic environment) on grave shift (which my body and mind have no love for) for 40 hours a week. Decent money, yes, but not decent enough for the shit I've had to deal with. My doctor's had me on like hundreds of dollars worth of supplements just so I could function on grave shift and sleep during the day at all. It's been complete bullshit and I am done. And yes, I'm thrilled that my mom approves. I was afraid she'd be pissed, but she totally saw it coming, lol.

[dorknessrising.livejournal.com]

Seconding yukinoomoni. I've had to do the same, and I don't regret it. No job is worth your mental health.

[dawnrune.livejournal.com]

Yeah, exactly. Mental health is very important to me, to the point where I'm even thinking of going back to school for the purpose of studying it. It'd certainly be a more worthwhile use of my time than hanging on to this stupid job.