Chaotic Insanity

So... I turned 30 on Saturday.

It's not as bad as it sounds. I had a wonderful time out to dinner with my family, and was glad that both of my older sisters could make it.

It just feels weird. I'm 30. But sometimes I feel either 60 or 15. It makes little sense. I certainly don't feel as if I've earned being 30. I haven't had any successes worth being proud of at the moment. My life is, at best, half over now.

All I can do is start to get serious about getting published. I really want to get something out there, anything, other than fanfiction that nobody reads much of and is never taken seriously ANYWAY. But I'm deeply afraid of rejection that will definitely come with trying to get published, and I lack the type of ego that can easily bounce back following rejection after rejection. And yet, if I write nothing, send nothing, nothing will happen. At least a stack of rejection letters shows that I at least tried.

Right?

I guess I should fully update, but save deep thoughts and fluctuating health of myself and my pets, I've got nothing.

I know I've missed a lot while I've been busy pissing away my time on Twitter and YouTube. Tell me what I've missed here, while I try to catch up on my own friends list.

Duuuuurp.

I am in a hideous mood, and DreamWidth insisting that I do not exist is only making it worse, so once again I am only posting here and not there, and will back the entries up when I find a way.

Honestly, I'm starting to hate the internet. I hate what it does to people. I hate the power it gives over others. I hate that there is absolutely nothing sacred, safe, or private about it (hence why I won't even bother locking this post).

I am grateful for the wonderful friends I have met through the internet, but am also very damaged by those whom I shouldn't have trusted. I love that I am usually able to find wonderful people to talk to about things I love and thought I was the only one who loved them, but I also loathe fandom's horrid ability to suck the fun and magic out of everything I adore.

The internet has allowed me to post writings that would have probably remained in duotangs stuck in my closet, and these writings have brought me closer to more people. It has also alienated me from people, as of course only weirdos write fanfic, right? So I can't even brag about it to "normal" people, despite being extremely proud of that which I wrote.

If anything, my lukewarm success with fanfic has given me hubris as to just how good or bad my writing actually is. I soar high one moment, then get shot down the next. And any time I think about writing the stories that are deep in my heart, I cringe and cringe, because of course it's bad, cliched, overdone, and seen before. EVERYTHING has been seen before, in this highly published society. Anything I write, however good or bad, would be lost in the pool of those who already beat me to it. So why bother?

And the death of Kristen was like the last straw. I had no idea how much I had missed her and wished I was a better friend to her until she died, and I never even met her. All of you, whom I love so much, could flicker just like her, and then what? It's selfish, but I hate having my heart broken.

I barely have friends. I can count the number of friends I have outside of the internet on one hand (without even bothering with my thumb), so really my only social net is full of you - people who have thought me interesting enough to read my words on a screen. I trust you all with more than I trust my family, and I haven't met you. And yet those few friends I know I can barely trust.

How did my life get so backward? Am I the only one?

I'm not really going away off the internet. I just... I obviously am on it so rarely that nobody really would note a difference. I've given up being a "presence" on the internet. Why bother? That is everyone.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't expect much of anything from me anymore. I'm just... probably to vanish quietly, if that's what I decide to do.

Comments are disabled because I know I won't see the comments until too late for replying anyway. If you really need to get in touch, I usually check Twitter more often than not, because I use it to post nonsense. But then, even that will probably die out, too.

(Funnily enough, as I was typing this, I got blocked out of DW AGAIN. This is after a week of changing my password FOUR TIMES and being locked out. FUCK YOU.)

Hello everyone!

Over the next couple of days, I will be posting several polls and questions in order to research some stuff for a project I'm working on. Once the questions progress, it will be obvious what my project is, but for now try to answer as honestly as possible, not in the way you think I want you to answer. The polls and the comments will be given an anonymous option, in case you want that.

So, on to the first round! And here is the topic:

QUESTIONS, ROUND ONE: YOUR TOP TEN FAVOURITE FAIRY TALES OF ALL TIME

In the comments below, please list, in order of favourite (the first being the best and the last being the least favourite), the first ten fairy tales that you find your favourites. There is no cultural boundaries, country or continental boundaries. All I ask is, if the tale did not originate in English and I have not heard of it, please provide a link.

It also doesn't matter how obscure or popular the tale is - YOU JUST HAVE TO LIKE IT. If you cannot think of ten, then round it down to five. Any less than five, I can't use.

Details of this project I wish to keep semi-secret for now. A few already know what this is, but for the sake of objective results, keep it shushed!

So, no polls this round. Just lists, in the comments, of (preferably) ten, but five is also... acceptable.

I plan on keeping this venue open for a week, so take your time thinking it all out and commenting. It's really important!

As promised, here are the links to the prompt post!

On Livejournal
On Dreamwidth

Happy Holidays, everyone! To celebrate the season and to give you all a gift in some way, here's the first annual

HOLIDAY GIFT SCRIBBLES POST!!

This is a free-for-all, no limits fanfiction request post, for everyone and anyone wanting a ficlet from the following fandoms:

- Avatar: TLA
- The Slayers
- ToraDora!
- The 12 Kingdoms
- Scrapped Princess
- Shadow Raiders
- KareKano

You're welcome to request as many prompts as you'd like, but note that I may not be able to fill them all. This post will be open for a while, so that I can have time to fill as many requests as I can.

If there's a fandom I haven't mentioned but that you would like a scribble from, let me know and I may be able to make an exception.

Okay, everyone! Go go go and have fun!

It's Friends List Appreciation Week!!!

(Well, for me it is, anyway.)

Because all of you are so awesome and amazing for having to put up with my daily histrionic babbling, I've decided to hold a Friends List Appreciation Week event here on my journal. Please comment with a request for one (or all) of the following:

-Name of a fandom, character and prompt, for a little ficlet written just for you;
-Question that you have been meaning to ask me but keep forgetting;
-Something that you have been meaning to tell me but haven't found the chance;
-A request for a good read, good listen, good show/movie, or good whatever;
-A nice compliment just for you!

There are no limits and no slots. This will be open for everyone on my friends list, for as long as it takes for everyone to participate if they would like! If I am unable to fill the ficlet request, you will be given a chance to make another request.

Okay! Go!

So that you know I'm not all about whining:

I got myself weighed proper yesterday. It's confirmed - I've lost 30 pounds over the course of one year. I guess diet and being sick really pay off?

I finished the pics for that project my sister posted about! I mean, they're just sketches, but I'm super excited. My pictures for an official story! Awesome! I can't show them, obviously, but once the final ones are done, I can link them! Hee~

I left my comb at home today. Why would I do this?

I also need a haircut in the worst way. Tomorrow is payday - I shall get it done tomorrow.

Euphoria is confusing but fun. It's been two weeks and it hasn't gone away yet?! I like you, Lyrica.

It's Sexy Maiko Week? I suppose this means I should PROBABLY finished that fruit tart smut I've already taken too long to write...

I'm hungry. And yet I had breakfast? Stop that!

Okay bye.

I mentioned this in a comment, but I feel it's important enough to announce to all of you.

Never EVER feel as if you have to leave me a review on any of my fics. I do appreciate them, but just because you don't review doesn't mean your opinion of what I write means less!

I have always disliked the review demands that have been placed upon reading fics. Honestly, for me, it doesn't matter if you review. The fact that you took the time to even read a small bit of it means the most to me. Really, truly.

*jumps down off the grubby soapbox and runs off to hide from any thrown vegetables*

Everyone! Everyone! I'm writing again! I just wrote a fanfic for avatar_500, for the first time in almost two months!

I'm so happy =D. I hope the dry spell is over for good. I MISSED WRITING SILLY FANFIC!!!

Now I can catch up on a my Maiko meme (I only have one prompt left after all), and then hopefully catch up to my other fics as well, especially Midnight and Daybreak (which, for some reason, keeps getting Favourited, despite not being updated in over four months).

*has a happy*

Oh, and just so you all know: I never made the deadline for banked_flame, but I do plan on and will be posting the fic once it's finished. I worked way too hard to just dump it all now. Plus, I really like it. I plan on making a trilogy of these Big Bang fics, starting with the one I first wrote for avatarbigbang. I have no idea though what the third and last one will be quiet yet. Oh well =D

So ... are there any artists on my friends' list who would be interested in contributing to a free collection of stories? You wouldn't be paid, but your artwork would be out there, and it's a great opportunity (the whole publication is free, so no one is being paid =D). Please let me know. (I might contribute some drawings to it, even!)

Also, what do you guys think about publishing my original short stories on something like Blogspot or Wordpress? (Is there such a thing as a non-fanfic equivalent to ff.net?) That way, I can get my stuff out there for once, instead of sitting on it all the time.

I also plan on splitting my novel(s) into short stories in order to keep them smaller and easier to edit, write out follow. What do you guys think?

Comment, okay?!