yukinoomoni: (Sadness)
It's been a while, I know. But forgive me while I use this to vomit out all of my worst feelings, right now, to finally be free of them.

My pain is driving me crazy. I've been overdosing my THC oil very, very badly, and I feel the fool, because I'm already on so many meds. I'm so sick, and in so much pain, that it's making me realise how pointless I am. My days feel numbered, and I don't know how to cope. I waste those days on fanfic, as a hermit, hiding from people I love, because I'm not worthy of them. I was on Tumblr for a few years, and I met a lot of new people through the Undertale fandom, but a lot of them are very young, some minors, and it makes me uncomfortable. I care about them, and love them in a platonic, familial way, but I know how gross and bad it makes me look, and I'm starting to pull away from them, through no fault of their own. Rather, it's my fault, only my fault, because they deserve to have friends they can trust, that won't make them look bad. Most started out as readers of the fanfic I wrote for Undertale, and I made the mistake, in my endless, isolated loneliness, to befriend them, forgetting in my immaturity that I am not young, but old, and that heaping my problems onto them is wrong, and sickening, and I'm ashamed of it. They don't deserve that. All I wanted to be was a mentor, or a big sister or aunt. I should have never mentioned my feelings, my depression, my pain, my loneliness. They should only care about when the next story is updated, or come to me for support, not to support me. And all I do now is write fanfics. If I do anything original, nobody cares. Not even Terry, my own husband of two years, gives a shit about anything I write or draw, even if original. If he doesn't care, why the fuck should I? I want him to care, to be interested in my works, to be excited with me and help me keep going. He encourages me, of course, but not enough to bother to look at what he's encouraging me to do. It's the only think I do not like, and have never liked, about Terry: that he doesn't give a fuck about my hard work. I get it. He's busy, and works hard, so that I can have the spoilt life I have, today, so that I can create the shit he doesn't care about and not have to work, because by now, I cannot work. This time last year, I was healthier, hopeful. Now I feel nothing. I don't want to draw. I don't want to write. I'm pushing the friends I love the most away, because I love them, and know they are better than I deserve, and deserve better than I can give. Nothing I do matters, anymore. All it is is just pain, pointless projects, and loneliness, a loneliness that is my fault, alone. I don't go out. I can't work. I make no effort to meet new people, face-to-face. And now, I'm running away from the people here, online, realising that I lost most of you long ago, and I deserve that, too. The fact is this: I will never be anything more than a talentless hack, using the works of others to try and tell stories, because my own work is garbage. I look at the people who were friends with me, who now loathe me, and see how much happier and successful they are, and I compare them to the people who did not, and I realise that I am nothing but poison. I am a leech that poisons while sucking my host dry. No wonder my pain keeps increasing; my body wants me to die already, and my brain agrees. I keep saying no, because I don't want to die. I'm scared and selfish, and I don't want to lose what I have, even if I never deserved it. And yet while fearing death, I still wonder if it's the actually the best decision. I won't kill myself - I promised I wouldn't - but, especially right now, I really wish I could, and want to, more than anything, as long as it meant that finally, everyone would be free. Especially Terry, who's trapped in a daily hell, one he's forced to remain in legally, because I am a manipulative piece of shit. 

Nobody cares about what I have to say, unless it's wrapped within the universe of someone else's creation. Nobody cares about anything I do, unless it either disrupts their own lives or they're bored and need someone to look down on to feel better. 

I quit. I quit writing, I quit drawing. I'll finish the shit I've started, but once it's done, so am I.

Nobody fucking cares. Why the fuck should I...?

EDIT: Please do not redirect this post to Terry. I am posting here specifically because he will not see it, okay? Don't make me lock it, please.
yukinoomoni: (Grin)
Heya, everyone! My artwork for The Wizard's Prophecy was posted today! The direct link for the chapter is here, but I think you should just start from the beginning and get hooked on the story =D

Also, drop a line to the author and let her know what you think! She worked so hard on it!
yukinoomoni: (Grin)
Do you guys remember how I begged to doodle for a new online serial called The Wizard's Prophecy? Well, yesterday, it went live!

The link is here. It's a really awesome story, so please drop the author a line and tell her so! She's worked really hard on it.

Read the story. READ IT FAST!
yukinoomoni: (Love)
True story.

Read more... )

Pick a Pic

Oct. 26th, 2011 09:53 am
yukinoomoni: (Eh?)
Having trouble deciding on a default (again). I really want one that says something about me, that people can easily identify me by it, and when they see the image, they think of me automatically. But I also want something somewhat emotionless, or just neutral, you know?

The few I've narrowed it down to are here:


From the fairytale "East of the Sun, West of the Moon." I really like the idea of a girl being the hero and rescuing the prince, and thought that the girl (she has no name) is a really brave and awesome character.


Photo of me.


A greyscale drawing of one of my characters named Serrova Nune. I used to write a weekly serial about her, but it died after a few months due to no muse. I still like the character, though.


A pen-drawn pic of myself with a green border.


A full-colour pic done in MS paint of myself.


A close-up of a picture of one of my characters, Anya, standing under an umbrella in the rain and just thinking.

What do you think? Here, I'll make a poll to make it easier or whatever.
[Poll #1789864]

EDIT: I also found these, so if you like these, just comment:
A/ B/ C/

Pick a Pic

Oct. 26th, 2011 09:53 am
yukinoomoni: (Eh?)
Having trouble deciding on a default (again). I really want one that says something about me, that people can easily identify me by it, and when they see the image, they think of me automatically. But I also want something somewhat emotionless, or just neutral, you know?

The few I've narrowed it down to are here:


From the fairytale "East of the Sun, West of the Moon." I really like the idea of a girl being the hero and rescuing the prince, and thought that the girl (she has no name) is a really brave and awesome character.


Photo of me.


A greyscale drawing of one of my characters named Serrova Nune. I used to write a weekly serial about her, but it died after a few months due to no muse. I still like the character, though.


A pen-drawn pic of myself with a green border.


A full-colour pic done in MS paint of myself.


A close-up of a picture of one of my characters, Anya, standing under an umbrella in the rain and just thinking.

What do you think? Here, I'll make a poll to make it easier or whatever.
[Poll #1789864]

EDIT: I also found these, so if you like these, just comment:
A/ B/ C/

FArt

Sep. 2nd, 2011 06:15 pm
yukinoomoni: (FACEPALM)
Read more... )

FArt

Sep. 2nd, 2011 06:15 pm
yukinoomoni: (FACEPALM)
Read more... )
yukinoomoni: (Hyperbole 1/2 (Eeeeeeeeee~!))
So that you know I'm not all about whining:

I got myself weighed proper yesterday. It's confirmed - I've lost 30 pounds over the course of one year. I guess diet and being sick really pay off?

I finished the pics for that project my sister posted about! I mean, they're just sketches, but I'm super excited. My pictures for an official story! Awesome! I can't show them, obviously, but once the final ones are done, I can link them! Hee~

I left my comb at home today. Why would I do this?

I also need a haircut in the worst way. Tomorrow is payday - I shall get it done tomorrow.

Euphoria is confusing but fun. It's been two weeks and it hasn't gone away yet?! I like you, Lyrica.

It's Sexy Maiko Week? I suppose this means I should PROBABLY finished that fruit tart smut I've already taken too long to write...

I'm hungry. And yet I had breakfast? Stop that!

Okay bye.
yukinoomoni: (Eh?)
I was dared to draw this. So I dared myself to share. Because honestly, I have to admit some degree of pride in this, especially since male anatomy is my Kryptonite.


This Space for Rent by ~Yukinoomoni on deviantART

Also, here is an older one about work:


Appearance May Vary by ~Yukinoomoni on deviantART
yukinoomoni: (Eh?)
I was dared to draw this. So I dared myself to share. Because honestly, I have to admit some degree of pride in this, especially since male anatomy is my Kryptonite.


This Space for Rent by ~Yukinoomoni on deviantART

Also, here is an older one about work:


Appearance May Vary by ~Yukinoomoni on deviantART

HERE WE GO

Jun. 9th, 2011 09:41 am
yukinoomoni: (I are good artist)
Here is the art post! Many arts below the cut. There were more pics I wanted to scan, but I figured it would be too much x.x.

Read more... )

HERE WE GO

Jun. 9th, 2011 09:41 am
yukinoomoni: (I are good artist)
Here is the art post! Many arts below the cut. There were more pics I wanted to scan, but I figured it would be too much x.x.

Read more... )

Uuuuuuhm

Jun. 7th, 2011 07:09 pm
yukinoomoni: (Get to Work)
So ... are there any artists on my friends' list who would be interested in contributing to a free collection of stories? You wouldn't be paid, but your artwork would be out there, and it's a great opportunity (the whole publication is free, so no one is being paid =D). Please let me know. (I might contribute some drawings to it, even!)

Also, what do you guys think about publishing my original short stories on something like Blogspot or Wordpress? (Is there such a thing as a non-fanfic equivalent to ff.net?) That way, I can get my stuff out there for once, instead of sitting on it all the time.

I also plan on splitting my novel(s) into short stories in order to keep them smaller and easier to edit, write out follow. What do you guys think?

Comment, okay?!

Uuuuuuhm

Jun. 7th, 2011 07:09 pm
yukinoomoni: (Get to Work)
So ... are there any artists on my friends' list who would be interested in contributing to a free collection of stories? You wouldn't be paid, but your artwork would be out there, and it's a great opportunity (the whole publication is free, so no one is being paid =D). Please let me know. (I might contribute some drawings to it, even!)

Also, what do you guys think about publishing my original short stories on something like Blogspot or Wordpress? (Is there such a thing as a non-fanfic equivalent to ff.net?) That way, I can get my stuff out there for once, instead of sitting on it all the time.

I also plan on splitting my novel(s) into short stories in order to keep them smaller and easier to edit, write out follow. What do you guys think?

Comment, okay?!
yukinoomoni: (Ahaha!)
Lol. I did get it cut again. More on that later on today (probably tonight).

Read more... )
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