yukinoomoni: (Sadness)
It's been a while, I know. But forgive me while I use this to vomit out all of my worst feelings, right now, to finally be free of them.

My pain is driving me crazy. I've been overdosing my THC oil very, very badly, and I feel the fool, because I'm already on so many meds. I'm so sick, and in so much pain, that it's making me realise how pointless I am. My days feel numbered, and I don't know how to cope. I waste those days on fanfic, as a hermit, hiding from people I love, because I'm not worthy of them. I was on Tumblr for a few years, and I met a lot of new people through the Undertale fandom, but a lot of them are very young, some minors, and it makes me uncomfortable. I care about them, and love them in a platonic, familial way, but I know how gross and bad it makes me look, and I'm starting to pull away from them, through no fault of their own. Rather, it's my fault, only my fault, because they deserve to have friends they can trust, that won't make them look bad. Most started out as readers of the fanfic I wrote for Undertale, and I made the mistake, in my endless, isolated loneliness, to befriend them, forgetting in my immaturity that I am not young, but old, and that heaping my problems onto them is wrong, and sickening, and I'm ashamed of it. They don't deserve that. All I wanted to be was a mentor, or a big sister or aunt. I should have never mentioned my feelings, my depression, my pain, my loneliness. They should only care about when the next story is updated, or come to me for support, not to support me. And all I do now is write fanfics. If I do anything original, nobody cares. Not even Terry, my own husband of two years, gives a shit about anything I write or draw, even if original. If he doesn't care, why the fuck should I? I want him to care, to be interested in my works, to be excited with me and help me keep going. He encourages me, of course, but not enough to bother to look at what he's encouraging me to do. It's the only think I do not like, and have never liked, about Terry: that he doesn't give a fuck about my hard work. I get it. He's busy, and works hard, so that I can have the spoilt life I have, today, so that I can create the shit he doesn't care about and not have to work, because by now, I cannot work. This time last year, I was healthier, hopeful. Now I feel nothing. I don't want to draw. I don't want to write. I'm pushing the friends I love the most away, because I love them, and know they are better than I deserve, and deserve better than I can give. Nothing I do matters, anymore. All it is is just pain, pointless projects, and loneliness, a loneliness that is my fault, alone. I don't go out. I can't work. I make no effort to meet new people, face-to-face. And now, I'm running away from the people here, online, realising that I lost most of you long ago, and I deserve that, too. The fact is this: I will never be anything more than a talentless hack, using the works of others to try and tell stories, because my own work is garbage. I look at the people who were friends with me, who now loathe me, and see how much happier and successful they are, and I compare them to the people who did not, and I realise that I am nothing but poison. I am a leech that poisons while sucking my host dry. No wonder my pain keeps increasing; my body wants me to die already, and my brain agrees. I keep saying no, because I don't want to die. I'm scared and selfish, and I don't want to lose what I have, even if I never deserved it. And yet while fearing death, I still wonder if it's the actually the best decision. I won't kill myself - I promised I wouldn't - but, especially right now, I really wish I could, and want to, more than anything, as long as it meant that finally, everyone would be free. Especially Terry, who's trapped in a daily hell, one he's forced to remain in legally, because I am a manipulative piece of shit. 

Nobody cares about what I have to say, unless it's wrapped within the universe of someone else's creation. Nobody cares about anything I do, unless it either disrupts their own lives or they're bored and need someone to look down on to feel better. 

I quit. I quit writing, I quit drawing. I'll finish the shit I've started, but once it's done, so am I.

Nobody fucking cares. Why the fuck should I...?

EDIT: Please do not redirect this post to Terry. I am posting here specifically because he will not see it, okay? Don't make me lock it, please.

lulz

Apr. 14th, 2011 11:11 am
yukinoomoni: (Arima & Yukino (Get to Work))
Yeah, I know. I haven't even finished the Maiko Meme yet (and I will!), but I want to try something a little different.

The Original Fiction Meme

Here, you can request actual original stories for me to write. I will do my best to fill them as I can, but note that some may be out of my range (I will tell you if it is and give you another slot).

Rules:
1. All requests must be for original fiction.
No fandom in this one, sorry. (You can, however, request a story from an already written about original story of mine.)
2. You an request any genre. I may not be able to write it, but again, I'll let you know.
3. Please be as detailed as you can/ Vague is fine, but major plotpoints for how you want the story to go are better.

Each person has three requests. I will fill as many as I can. If it helps, my specialties are fantasy and contemporary, but I don't mind a challenge.

o.O

Apr. 11th, 2011 02:14 pm
yukinoomoni: (Arima & Yukino (Get to Work))
Reading over your own stuff is weird.

For example, several years ago I attempted to right a sort of canon-bible for one of my series, one that contained all of the plots, hints, and storylines in the series I planned to write. I was inspired to look over them again, and I have to say, you can't claim I'm not a little bit creative. Plus, I find it interesting that the way I wrote the canon-bible is in a detached sort of archivist-like way. And, as a compliment to myself, I did find myself interested and even vocally expressing surprise at some parts, which is probably a good thing (I mean, if you can get a reaction from yourself...).

So, needless to say, this should be an interesting project. I really hope I get inspired enough to finish the whole story in this format, so that I won't ever come across problems later when I actually get around to writing something for once.
yukinoomoni: (Buh?)
Because of how my brain has been lately, I plan on posting more original fiction. As such, I'm going to be creating a filter for all of my original fiction (this includes Mardimalle, as well as any other stories from invention - not fanfic. I don't plan on posting fanfiction here, unless I get around to backing up my omoni_scribbles account on LJ to here.).

If any of you are interested in reading these stories, please comment here so that I can put you on the filter. If you don't comment, I'll automatically assume you aren't interested.

Thanks in advance!

FINALLY

Sep. 9th, 2010 02:02 pm
yukinoomoni: (I'M FUCKING BLIND)
I'VE TAGGED MY WHOLE GODDAMNED JOURNAL!!!

I forgot a tag for Harry Potter and Gilmore Girls, but damned if I'm going over this sludge pit of a journal again. Fuck.
yukinoomoni: (Cheese)
I've noticed a growing trend of authors who have broken into the mainstream with their stories of female protagonists who are submerged into a supernatural world inhabited by good-looking monsters. I've been reading up on it and noticed that pretty much every single of these protagonists are identical, give or take a few choice attributes. It's always the same ugly duckling-loving the hot guy-true love forever bullshit.

While I was drinking my gallon of coffee this morning, I had a thought: What if I set out and purposely created a story that opposes all of the overused tropes and trends that all of these popular stories seem to follow?

And before I knew it I had a spare notebook out and was writing down bullets of ideas.

This will probably be an interesting project.
Page generated Jul. 5th, 2025 07:39 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios