I know this is a sudden thing but....
Apr. 6th, 2009 05:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukinoomoniI really wish that I had real friends.
I mean, like, real friends. Friends that I can share time with. People who live close to me who can take supporting me as well as being supported in return.
It's one of the major things that, all my life, I've always covetted, and no matter what, I can't seem to grasp.
I have, perhaps, two or three people I can call friends. The rest of the people in my life are all aquaintances or people who don't really know me.
I know that the majority of the aforementioned would never stick up for me, or even think of me when planning a shindig.
I've always told myself that I don't care, and that being lonely is something that is my lot in life. That I'm just not the kind of person to have friends, real friends, without being used or betrayed.
But I really wish I had it
I really, really want it.
Pretty much every single person that I've considered a real friend has bailed on me, betrayed me, or pretended that I no longer exist (excluding aforementioned three people from above). The majority of the time it's betrayal, but there is also alot of the "forgetting" in there as well.
I just wish I had people who cared about me, people who would hold me when I cry, who I could slay dragons for.
I just wish that, with all of my heart.
But there's so much and too much keeping me from that, and it's my own doing. Or my own unconscious doing. Mostly. Okay, there were alot of cases where the people I dealt with, the people I trusted, we just bad, pure and simple, who were too selfish or conniving to want to make the time to stay friends with me. It can't always be my fault! I'm not a bad person!
Dammit.
I know that, last year, there was this huge thing with myself and two other people, and that we share alot of common friends. Call it selfish, but I just hate seeing these common friends being treated so well by people when they treated me so poorly. Yes, it's selfish. Have I ever denied myself as such? Either way, it's also sort of miserable, because during that time, I had always hoped that SOMEONE would stick up for me, and no one did. I can understand that, but at the same time, it hurts, alot, and reminds me how completely incapable I am of having real friends that care about me, instead of passing aquaintances.
So I'm going to spare those common friends and cut MYSELF out.
For those of you who tl;dr: I'm doing a huge friends cut. Sorry. I'm just too selfish to do otherwise, and I know that loyalty is a big deal, and who has it. I don't expect anyone to choose sides, but I can't stand to be reminded of that bad blood. It's nothing personal.
Same goes as before: Do not comment on previous entries regarding this one. It honestly doesn't matter guys. Forget me and move on.
I mean, like, real friends. Friends that I can share time with. People who live close to me who can take supporting me as well as being supported in return.
It's one of the major things that, all my life, I've always covetted, and no matter what, I can't seem to grasp.
I have, perhaps, two or three people I can call friends. The rest of the people in my life are all aquaintances or people who don't really know me.
I know that the majority of the aforementioned would never stick up for me, or even think of me when planning a shindig.
I've always told myself that I don't care, and that being lonely is something that is my lot in life. That I'm just not the kind of person to have friends, real friends, without being used or betrayed.
But I really wish I had it
I really, really want it.
Pretty much every single person that I've considered a real friend has bailed on me, betrayed me, or pretended that I no longer exist (excluding aforementioned three people from above). The majority of the time it's betrayal, but there is also alot of the "forgetting" in there as well.
I just wish I had people who cared about me, people who would hold me when I cry, who I could slay dragons for.
I just wish that, with all of my heart.
But there's so much and too much keeping me from that, and it's my own doing. Or my own unconscious doing. Mostly. Okay, there were alot of cases where the people I dealt with, the people I trusted, we just bad, pure and simple, who were too selfish or conniving to want to make the time to stay friends with me. It can't always be my fault! I'm not a bad person!
Dammit.
I know that, last year, there was this huge thing with myself and two other people, and that we share alot of common friends. Call it selfish, but I just hate seeing these common friends being treated so well by people when they treated me so poorly. Yes, it's selfish. Have I ever denied myself as such? Either way, it's also sort of miserable, because during that time, I had always hoped that SOMEONE would stick up for me, and no one did. I can understand that, but at the same time, it hurts, alot, and reminds me how completely incapable I am of having real friends that care about me, instead of passing aquaintances.
So I'm going to spare those common friends and cut MYSELF out.
For those of you who tl;dr: I'm doing a huge friends cut. Sorry. I'm just too selfish to do otherwise, and I know that loyalty is a big deal, and who has it. I don't expect anyone to choose sides, but I can't stand to be reminded of that bad blood. It's nothing personal.
Same goes as before: Do not comment on previous entries regarding this one. It honestly doesn't matter guys. Forget me and move on.
